Crazy Going, Going Crazy
by o0true0o
Summary: Something's in the pumpkin juice...Snape thinks he's batman, Harry runs around in tighty whities, and more weirdness!
1. The madness begins

Welcome to the Nut House  
  
"Let us toast to an enjoyable year for all!" Dumbledore said, raising his glass.  
  
The great hall was filled with the sound of glasses clinking and voices happily saying 'Here, here'.  
  
Harry Potter raised his glass to his mouth and took a huge gulp of his pumpkin juice along with his fellow peers and professors. It did not take long for babble to fill the hall...something just was not right.  
  
"Whoa..." Harry said in awe to Ron and Hermione "I feel great!"  
  
Hermione began to giggle madly and punched the table with her fist.  
  
"hehehe," she giggled. She looked up at Harry grinning stupidly. Her eyes locked on Harry's forehead. She turned her head every-which-way.  
  
"Ya know," She stated very seriously "when I turn my head this way, your scar looks like an N!"  
  
Ron looked at Harry and turned his head like Hermione. He suddenly jumped.  
  
"That is SO freaky!" he gasped, eyes wide "I bet you make some money from that and be famous!"  
  
"I AM famous!" Harry stated, matter-of fact. He narrowed his eyes at his two friends. They gasped. "Why?" they cried.  
  
"You may think I'm..." he trailed off perplexed "Who am I again? Oh yeah I am Har...Harris."  
  
The two still watched him with great attention. Suddenly Harry jumped up.  
  
"But that is just my secret identity! I am really SUPER WIZARD!" Harry ripped off his clothes to reveal a pair of tighty whities.  
  
"Some costume, Harris!" Ron laughed.  
  
Suddenly a girl with bright red hair had ran to Harry's side, and smacked his ass.  
  
Harry giggled. "I'm a sexy beast. So, I know you don't I? I forget what's your name again?"  
  
The girl stopped staring at Harry and thought for a moment.  
  
"I'm pretty sure it's Virgo. But call me YOURS." she winked.  
  
"Yours," Harry said "What an interesting name. I'm...I'm dang..." he snapped his fingers "hey you!," he pointed at Hermione. "What did I say my name was again?"  
  
"You're so stupid!" she exclaimed, eyes welling with tears from laughing "You said it was Harvey!"  
  
"Oh yes!" he said, smacking his head so violently he lost his balance and fell backwards.  
  
He was almost ran over by a man running between the tables. He was screaming "NANANANA BATMAN!" At the top of his lungs, and had his cape pulled out so it looked wing-like.  
  
He stopped abruptly when he came to Harry.  
  
"Never fear!" he cried, pushing his greasy black hair from his face "For I am Batman, and I will save you!"  
  
He extended his hand and pulled Harry up.  
  
"No kidding?" Harry asked, hands on hips "But-I'm supposed to be the super hero!!"  
  
"Well..." Snape started "Why don't you be my side kick?" He looked Harry up and down. "I will call you Bat-kid-in-underwear!"  
  
"Super-dee-duper!" Harry exclaimed, and looked at Hermione and Ron.  
  
"I must go off to save the world, I will be back shortly after my arch- enemy is defeated!"  
  
Hermione and Ron never noticed. Hermione was naming all of Ron's freckles.  
  
"...Zabbrina, Quintana, Grizelda, Nicodemus, Ontibile, and Bill and Bob" She was pointing madly at the freckles on his nose, but at Bob she poked his eye.  
  
"AHHHH!" he cried in pain.  
  
"Oopsie daisy!" she said, laughing wildly.  
  
Meanwhile....  
Our heroes were scouring the great hall for their villan. The passed Luna, who was staring into space and Neville who was sitting in a rocking chair in the corner singing "I am slowly going crazy, 123456, SWITCH! Crazy going, going crazy."  
  
"You know?" Harry thought "I think he is going crazy!"  
  
"Hmm..." Snape considered this "I think further investigation is needed."  
  
Suddenly a boy with very light blonde hair stood in front of the heroes and looked at them evilly.  
  
Harry and Snape gasped.  
  
"Do you think he's our villian?" Harry asked.  
  
"Hmmm..." Snape eyed Draco suspiciously.  
  
"Die!" Draco screamed unsheathing a large carrot.  
  
"I think further investigation is needed." Snape replied to Harry.  
  
Draco ran forward and held the carrot to Harry's head.  
  
"One move and, I promise, your side kick gets it!"  
  
Snape stepped forward. "There so he gets it now? You'll give him the carrot? Very nice of you, carrots will help you to see in the dark, Bat-kid- in-underwear."  
  
Draco grimaced. "Foiled again! A promise is a promise." He handed Harry the carrot and started to mope.  
  
Harry looked at Draco sympathetically.  
  
"Why can't we be friends?" he sang swaying slightly to the music.  
  
Draco looked at Harry in shock. "But I'm an evil, evil mastermind!"  
  
"Come on! Being good is verrrrrrry good!" Harry smiled.  
  
"Yeah!" Snape encouraged.  
  
"Okay!" Draco said, jumping up and down in excitement.  
  
The three linked arms and began to skip merrily.  
  
A/N: I hope you liked this. I should really have been writing my fanfic for book 6 but this is so much more fun!!!!!  
I might do more if I get some positive reviews, after all I haven't told what the staff is up to yet.  
PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
These are thanks to slogan generator:  
Leaves Your Insanity Minty not Mediciney.  
You've Got Questions. We've Got Insanity.  
Did Somebody Say Insanity?  
I am Stuck on Insanity, 'Cause Insanity's Stuck on Me. (I was trying to come up with titles) 


	2. The insanity continues

A/N: Well, I don't like this nearly as much as the first part, but hey, I thought I'd post it. I don't own Harry Potter, or Days of Our Lives or Passions which are mentioned briefly. Please review!  
  
THE INSANITY CONTINUES…  
  
An evil laugh filled the Great Hall.  
  
"Batman!," Harry exclaimed "Perhaps that is our evil villain!"  
  
"Perhaps…" Snape started, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "I think fur-"  
  
"Further investigation is needed!" Draco interrupted.   
  
"That's my catchphrase!" Snape whined."Get over it!" Draco said, sticking his hand in Snape's face with a swing of the neck.  
  
"Off to the Batcave!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
~*~  
  
Ron and Hermione received the shock of their lives when they entered the kitchen, looking for some privacy…  
  
The house elves were all singing "Shake Your Groove Thing" and obeying the lyrics. As they shook their bottoms, Ron clasped his hands over his eyes. Hermione fell to the floor in a heap of giggles. Standing unsteadily she walked over to high five Winky. "You go girlfriend!" she exclaimed.  
  
Ron, forgetting he had his hands over his eyes, wondered why everything had went dark. He ran around the room until he ran smack into a wall.   
  
~*~  
  
"This is the location of the top-secret Bat Cave," Snape whispered, eyes wide. "Bat-kid-in-underwear, and…and…who are you again?" he asked pointing at Draco.  
  
"I am a reformed evil mastermind, who decided to use my brilliance, and incredible looks for the good of mankind!" Draco said, puffing his chest out with every word.  
  
"You speak too quickly!" whined Harry, grasping his head.  
  
"Ugh." Draco said, rolling his eyes "You can call me the Flamboyant ferret!"  
  
"Must you use big words?" Harry asked.  
  
"Excellent," Snape said, looking Draco up and down, "but this outfit will not do." With a wave of his wand Draco was wearing pink spandex.  
  
"As I was saying," Snape continued…he paused. "Oh poo, I don't remember. Anyway, let's go into this room."  
  
They entered the staff room to see most of the staff huddled around a muggle T.V., watching Days of Our Lives.   
  
"How could you Marlena?" Minerva cried to the television, falling onto her knees and clenching her fists into the air angrily.  
  
Dumbledore, got onto the ground beside Minerva "There. There….If I told you that you have a great body would you hold it against me?"  
  
Minerva looked up into Dumbledore's eyes. "Oh, Albus" she giggled.  
  
"You!" Snape interrupted. "We need your help!"  
  
"Me?" Dumbledore gasped.  
  
"Yes, we need you!" Snape said, pointing at Dumbledore Uncle Sam style.  
  
"Can you give me an hour? Passions just started." Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Well, I suspect the school is going to be destroyed, but okay." Snape shrugged, and our three superheroes snuggled onto the couch to watch the show. 


	3. Dancing Dwarves

A/N: Thanks for the positive reviews! This new chapter, so quickly, is thanks to them! And I've decided I will take requests for what stupid things you want the characters to do…as long as they don't gross me out.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
7 hours later…  
  
"No!" Harry cried, "How could they vote off the red headed bloke, he was so adorable!"  
  
*BOOM! CRASH! KERBAM!*  
  
"I have a feeling, we're supposed to be doing something more important than watching American Idol, I mean we aren't even American." Snape said.  
  
"It sounds like the castle is being torn apart…" Draco inquired "Yay! The Bachelor!"   
  
Another Hour Later….  
  
"Why isn't my evil plan working?" Lord Voldemort groaned "I should have killed that bloody Harry Potter by now. And no one loves me! Wormtail, quick, angst alert! I need some entertainment."  
  
"But-but!!" Peter stuttered.  
  
Voldemort pointed to the stage, one hand on his hip.  
  
"What am I supposed to do Master?" Peter asked timidly.  
  
"Well, I always was fond of Madonna…" Voldemort said with a sigh.  
  
Peter gulped. "Um, okay….Like a virgin/Touched for the very first time/Like a virgin/When your heart beats/Next to mine/Gonna give you all my love, boy/My fear is fading fast/Been saving it all for you/'Cause only love can last…"  
  
Students, magically tied their chairs, let out screams of torture at Peter's singing….and dancing. He was getting quite into it. Even more disturbing was that he was singing to the disgusting Dark Lord whom was swaying to the music and smirking. He gave Peter a wink.  
  
~*~  
  
At the screams our three heroes jumped from the couch!   
  
"Old dude, come with us to rid the world of danger." Snape said, grabbing Dumbledore hand.  
  
  
  
"Why?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Harry, Snape, and Draco all stood open-mouthed and wide-eyed.  
  
"To cure a guilt complex-" Harry answered.  
  
"Because of the goodness of your heart-" Snape replied.  
  
"To impress the women-" Draco responded, wiggling his eyebrows.  
  
  
  
Dumbledore looked at Minerva. "My lady, if I return, think better of me." he said, kissing her hand.  
  
They all rushed to the Great Hall.  
  
~*~  
  
(AND NOW, DUE TO A REQUEST, HERMIONE DOES SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER)  
  
"Take this," Hermione said, handing Dobby a ring off her hand "and say 'MY PRECIOUS'".  
  
Dobby crouched on the ground, and looked up at Hermione, holding the ring in his palm, he repeated "My precious."  
  
"Hehehe, who thought using house elves for my own personal amusement could be so much fun?!" Hermione giggled.  
  
"Okay, now I want all of you to dance around singing 'Oompa Loompa doompadee doo'" Hermione ordered.  
  
Winky looked up at Hermione with tears in her eyes.   
  
"Hey, back to work! And by the way, I'm renaming you Dopey! You are now a dwarf! And I am Snow White. Where's my Prince?"  
  
On cue, Ron awakened.  
  
A/N: That's all for now! Please review!!! 


	4. Voldiepoodle

Disclaimer: I don't own Oompa Loompas, everything in this story from chapter 1 to the end that you recognize is NOT MINE.  
  
A/N: Things actually get kind of serious in this chapter.  
  
"What are you doing to the house elves?" Ron asked.  
  
"My prince, don't be such a joy killer." Hermione replied, rolling her eyes. "Happy, (a.k.a. Dobby) I'd like my ring back now."  
  
"No, it's mine! My own! You want it for yourself!" Dobby answered angrily.  
  
"Darn right! It's mine!" Hermione growled.  
  
Dobby bared his teeth and pounced onto Hermione.  
  
"AHHH!" she screamed.  
  
The dwarves/house elves/oompa loompas started to sing a song:  
  
Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo  
  
We have a perfect puzzle for you  
  
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee  
  
If you are wise you will listen me  
  
What do you get when you boss around elves?  
  
Talking as much as an parrot on speed  
  
Where did you get your weed?  
  
What do you think this tells?  
  
I don't like the look of it  
  
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah  
  
If you're not pushy you will go far  
  
You will live in happiness too  
  
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do  
  
Doompadee do  
  
"Bugger off!" Hermione said, grabbing Ron's hand and leading him out of the room.  
  
Outside of the Great Hall, Snape stopped the group.   
  
"Bat-kid-in-underwear, I just want you to know that whatever happens to us in there…you are like a son to me." he said, with a hand on Harry's shoulder.  
  
"What about me?" Draco pouted.  
  
"What about you?" Snape asked, confused.  
  
Dumbledore, Snape, Harry and Draco rushed into the Great Hall. Dumbledore stopped suddenly at the sight of Voldemort…they all tumbled like dominos.   
  
Voldemort giggled like a little girl upon seeing his scheme had worked. Trying to cover his giggles with a cough, he pulled Harry up.  
  
"Potter, we meet at last." he said.  
  
Harry, looked pressed his lips tight. Eyes wide, he looked from side to side anxiously.   
  
"I'm not Harry." he said, "I bet that's this dude in pink spandex's name." He shoved Draco forward.   
  
"You fool!" Voldemort exclaimed, taking out his wand and pointing it at Harry he exclaimed "Reidentio!"  
  
Harry stumbled when he was hit with the blow. Gaining his composure, he looked up at Voldemort.  
  
"Hello, Tom." Harry said, as bravely as he could muster. He glanced at his surroundings. He noted the students were strapped to their seats, strange how no one was crying or struggling to escape. Some appeared to have passed out. He glanced at the people standing closely beside him. Dumbledore, Snape, Draco…he did a double take.   
  
"Draco! Why are you wearing pink spandex?" he cried, falling to the ground, all attempts at bravery forgotten. "Tom, you are one sick bugger!"  
  
"I am not responsible for young Malfoy's lack of taste." Voldemort said, looking Draco up and down "Neon pink! Baby pink would have looked so much nicer with his complexion."  
  
Harry's jaw dropped. "Is some kind of a joke? Am I dreaming?"  
  
"No, Potter." Voldemort snarled. "Now you must face me. We will fight to the death!"  
  
"I will Tom, and I will win. " Harry looked Voldemort directly in the eyes. "Prepare to die."  
  
They stared each other down for a moment, until Voldemort broke the silence. "Nice tighty whities."  
  
Harry jumped. He looked down at himself. "AHHHHH!!!!!" he screamed turning to run.  
  
Voldemort immediately used his magic to pull a chair forward and tie Harry to it. Tears streamed down Harry's face.  
  
"I know what this is Voldemort! You have gotten into my dreams!"  
  
"No, Potter. You are indeed awake."  
  
"But I had a dream just like this last week!" Harry protested "And you're acting weird! And no one is even trying to help me! I know they would if this was the real world!'  
  
"Just waiting for the right moment, Harry." Snape whispered loudly.  
  
"Bugger you! This bloke's bloody scary!" Draco exclaimed.  
  
"Why, thank you!" Voldemort replied with a smirk.  
  
"Dumbledore?" Harry begged.  
  
"Hmm?" Dumbledore said, momentarily looking up from his nails, which he had began to clean.  
  
"They have lost their identities Harry. They no longer care about what happens to you or themselves. They lose brain cells as we speak due to the poison I cleverly instructed a corrupted house elf to put into Hogwart's pumpkin juice. Go me!" Voldemort giggled.  
  
"Voldemort should not be giggling. He should not be saying GO ME. I am dreaming! RON! RON, WAKE ME UP RON!" Harry began to scream frantically.  
  
Peter stepped forward. "This scheme was concocted last night when the Dark Lord had too much Fire Whisky. I suspect he may still be drunk."  
  
Harry immediately passed out.  
  
Ron and Hermione had carefully been observing the situation, standing at the back of the Great Hall. When Harry shouted Ron's name, something clicked. "We need to help that bloke right there." he said, pointing.  
  
"I also feel a compelling urge to help." Hermione said, frowning and wrinkling her forehead.  
  
"But how?" Ron asked.  
  
"We streak the Great Hall!" Hermione announced, proud of her great wit.  
  
"But I don't want to!" Ron protested, blushing beet red.  
  
"If you want to be my prince, YOU WILL STREAK!" Hermione screeched.  
  
Faces turned towards the couple.  
  
"Now is the time," Hermione announced ripping off her clothing "the ultimate distraction!"  
  
With a gulp, Ron also took off his clothing as quickly as possible.  
  
"Ennervate!" Voldemort said, pointing his want at Harry "You will awake at your demise. Avada Ke-"  
  
He was interrupted by two streakers running through the group to the opposite end of the Great Hall. Snape took this opportunity turn his wand on the Dark Lord, turning him into a baby pink poodle. Draco turned Peter into a ladybug. Snape untied Harry.  
  
"Snape, you saved me," Harry said, amazed "thank you."  
  
"Snape?" he asked "No, please call me Bat Man."  
  
Harry gazed at Snape oddly, trying not to laugh. "Reidentio" he said, repeating the spell he heard Voldemort use on him earlier.  
  
"What is going on here?" Snape exclaimed.  
  
"I'll explain later, please just cast the Reidentio spell on as many students as you can, and get them to cast the spell on others." Harry requested, as Snape gave him a dirty look. Harry moved to catch the lady bug a.k.a. Peter before it escaped, but as he reached towards it Voldie the poodle ate the bug as a snack.   
  
Harry scowled, "He deserved a more horrible death, but I'm just glad he's gone." He used "Stickius" to charm the poodle's feet to the floor. At this time he realized Dumbledore and Draco had not yet been gave back their identities.   
  
He started to point his wand at Draco…then he realized he liked this Draco much better than the prior Draco and stopped.  
  
"Reidentio!" he said, pointing his want at Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh my…" Dumbledore said, "What's going on here? And whose puddle is this? Adorable thing."  
  
Dumbledore leaned forward to pat the poodle.  
  
"No, Professor," Harry started "This poodle is Lord Voldemort."  
  
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Harry, I can't say I'm surprised with all the stress you've been under. I fear you're having a breakdown."  
  
Harry tried to calm his temper…and failed "LOOK AROUND YOU!", he cried.  
  
Dumbledore looked at the students, slowly being freed. His eyebrows raised. He then turned to Malfoy.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy…you're in spandex." he stated  
  
"Don't you li-" Draco started.  
  
"We were all victims of a curse that took away our identities." Harry exclaimed. Dumbledore's eyes went wide in understanding, he raised his wand at Draco.  
  
"No, I already gave him his identity back." Harry lied.  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "Permantio" he said, pointing his wand at the dog. "This will keep Voldemort in this state permanently. You know what you must do, Harry."  
  
He went to the Gryffindor table to help free students.  
  
Harry turned to Voldie-poodle. "Well, I guess even you know this is your end."  
  
Voldie poodle growled.  
  
"I guess you don't want to live life as a poodle. Personally, if it wasn't for this prophecy thing, I would put you in the pound and hope you get adopted by muggles who name you Prissy and keep you tied to a tree day and night."  
  
Harry concentrated on the memories of Sirius, his parents, and Cedric. With the resulting burst of hatred, he cried "Avada Kedavra"  
  
There was a dead poodle on the floor. Harry could not believe it! He no longer had to live waiting for death at Voldemort's hand. He smiled, then began to laugh. He turned to run to Gryffindor Tower. He needed some alone time to take this in.  
  
Upon entering the common room Harry was shocked. Ron appeared to be passed out on the couch and Hermione was putting little braids in his hair. Their clothes were dishevelled.  
  
"Hi ya, Harry." Hermione said happily "Can I braid your hair too?"  
  
Harry grimaced at the embarrassment his friends would feel upon getting their identities back.   
  
"Reidentio," he said to both of his friends in turn.  
  
"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"What happened?" they asked in union.  
  
"Why are my clothes like this?," Hermione asked, looking nervously at Ron.  
  
"I believe you streaked the Great Hall, but no one but me will remember," Harry told them. "Do you remember anything?"  
  
"Well," Hermione started, looking at Ron "I remember I had a good time."  
  
Ron smiled.  
  
Harry took a seat in a nearby chair.   
  
"So, I defeated the drunken Dark Lord by killing him in the form of a poodle." he stated casually, grinning.  
  
Hermione's jaw dropped. Ron's eyes went wide.  
  
EPILOGUE:  
  
-Draco made a fool of himself singing "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls in his pink spandex for everyone in the Great Hall. Snape cast the counter-spell.  
  
-Everyone slowly regained their memories. Snape was horrified he made friends with Harry and as a result became addicted to calming potions. He became much pleasanter.  
  
-The house elves got a new love for fun and began to support S.P.E.W. They became paid workers. Dobby and Winky married and had a baby they named Dinky.  
  
-Ron and Hermione were commonly teased for streaking. They realised their feelings for each other and started to date. They married after they graduated and had twin boys they named "Bill" and "Bob". 


End file.
